Sunday, July 22, 2007

DSPN's Very First Sport: Competitive Drinking

So, almost immediately after I posted the , uh, post, introducing my new feature about obscure and ridiculous sports, I was at Crust, when a trio of guys walked in, one of whom was wearing a black T-shirt with the words "WIZEST WIZARDS" spelled out in White, Iron-on lettering reminiscent of Napoleon Dynamite's "Vote for Pedro" masterpiece. The logo was cross shaped, with the horizontal "WIZEST" intersecting at the "Z" in "WIZARDZ" (The final "Z" at the bottom of "WIZARDZ" was actually a sideways "N")

Now, I have spent enough years in Outer Redneckia to be nervous when I see the word "Wizard" and a Cross in close proximity, but with one look at this guy, I ruled out "Grand Wizard" in favor of "Half-Elf Level 10 Wizard with 10d4 Hit Points, and 'Pockets of Holding' ability" (If that was all nonsense to you, congratulations, you didn't eat lunch at my table in high school.)

When 5 other similarly nerdy College-age guys came in wearing the same shirt, I thought "Oh, its a team of some sort", and a look at the physiques of these guys said "Science Bowl" instead of "Super Bowl". Since I had non-traditional competitions on my mind, I decided to ask what the deal was with the shirts.

"Well, There's this Drinking Game called 'Wisest Wizard'," was the answer. A Drinking game? They had Uniforms made for a Drinking game? Apparently unlike some other Drinking games , which involve some element of chance or physical dexterity, the point of "Wisest Wizard" is quite simply to drink the most beer. The reason for the name? When you finish a can of beer, you Duct-tape it to the can you drank before it, forming a "Wizard's Staff", and at the end of the night, whoever has the biggest "staff" wins. (nothing at all phallic there, eh?) So what common bond did these people have other than a love for Fermented Barley Beverages? They were all Trombonists. That pretty much explains it.

I was in the band (ahem, sorry, in the orchestra) in 5th grade... for about 3 weeks. I quit, not out of a dislike for music, or any musical inability (although that may well have been discovered had I stuck around long enough), but rather out of Mortal Embarassment at the condition of the Instrument my parents had been able to afford; a 35 Dollar Trombone. The other kids all had rental instruments from the store out in the mall that existed solely for the purpose of renting instruments to schoolkids. Their instruments were sleek, well-oiled, expensive-looking things with brass bright enough to blind you if it caught the light just right. My trombone came from the flea market, and cost my parents 35 bucks outright. The case looked even worse than the instrument it contained; The black outer covering, something which may once have been leather, was battered and peeling off in chunks, and it was lined with, instead of the black-velvety material in the other kids' cases, a red, shag-carpety material, which didn't look any better off than the outside. The Trombone itself was corroded in places, and had a couple of dents, right in the bell of the horn. I dreaded band class every single time it met, and as our first concert drew near (the orchestral equivalent of "Hot Cross Buns", I'm Sure - It was 5th grade after all), the thought of being seen on stage with my flea-market, hand-me-down horn drove me to drop out all together.

Good thing I did, or now I might be comparing "staves" with the other "WIZARDZ", after rolling 3d4-3 to determine hit point damage due to alcohol poisoning. And then going home alone to my trombone.
-------- Daily Haiku of the Day --------
Hey Dungeon Master,
Can We Use Brass Instruments
As Melee Weapons?
------------------

1 comment:

Valorie said...

So I was going to vote in your poll, but the closest thing I could answer was "I am related to the author". But I'm not. I am just in love with someone related to the author. Why didn't you add that as an option??