Saturday, June 30, 2007

Air Guitar Competition

As I listened to music yesterday morning over my Breakfasty-toasty, I struck up a little "Air Guitar" to amuse my wife. (It worked. She was amused. Marriage does weird things to people.) What the song is, I cannot remember, but it must have been rockin'! As I strummed (or plucked, or picked, or whatever it is you do to a guitar) along with the song and my wife giggled, I said hey, do you know there is an air guitar competition?

"There's a contest for Everything" was her reply.

I am sure that this Competition started as a Joke; A Lark, along the lines of "Your air Guitar is so fake, Dude! You don't even move your left fingers at all!"

"Oh Yeah? well at least I put some effort into my showmanship, You just stand there, moving your fingers and staring into space like a Zombie. It's not true air guitar unless your making faces, and leaning way back, and jumping up doing the splits like Diamond Davie Lee Roth in that Van Halen video!"

"All the jumping-around-and-making-faces in the world doesn't make you a guitarist; Flava Flav jumps around making faces, He don't play no Guitar, though. He's a rapper!"

"Actually Chuck D is the rapper; I don't know What Flava Flav does... I think mostly he just jumps around makin' faces wearing that big Clock Necklace. Still, though, My Air guitar method is way better than your lame 'stand there and slightly sway back-and-forth' method."

"What 'Method'? You don't even look like you've ever even SEEN a guitar before, dude!"

"Alright, Check it out... Hey Pete! C'mere! Which one of us does the best Air Guitar to this song? Go back to Track #6.... No, number SIX..."

And pretty soon one of these dudes was calling himself the champion. And, of course, other equally opinionated rock fans soon questioned his legitimacy as champion, and a contest was held before the drunken crowd at some night-club (where Face-making and Jumping go a lot farther than accurate fretwork) Money changed hands as a result of a betting pool, and pretty soon one of these guys (Recently fired from the Dairy Queen, and short on funds) got the bright idea to become an "Event Organizer", and take a portion of everybody's bet to set up the "Championship" every other Thursday Night at Big Jake's Bar and Grill.

But alas, as with all such pursuits, We now have regional semi-finals and league certifications, and I might as well start a watch for the first Air-guitar Doping Scandal. (Gives a whole new meaning to "performance-enhancing" drugs, don't it?)

Pretty soon, eleven year olds will be pushed into the "Sport" by their over-zealous parents, whose guitar dreams never came to be, and who have Championship Dreams for their kid. These parents will hire the finest Russian coach to come to this country and put their kid through the brutal paces, building up his Air-Calluses, and perfecting his jumping-splits while wearing those Assless Leather Pants. (Which is not easy to do, by the way. Don't ask me how I know)

"This isn't a sport for Sissies, Son," I can hear the coach say. "If you can't headbang for five measly minutes without falling over dizzy, then How can you expect to get out there and go Toe-to Toe with champs like Hot-Lixx Hulahan?" (I'm not making that up, that's the actual 2006 Champ's name)

Well that's it for today's Daily Blog of the Day, Here is a parting Haiku, especially written just for you.

Which Competition
is Better than all the Rest?
Let's have a Contest.

P.S.-If you want to see more about the Air Guitar Championships, go here.
And buy me one of those Air-Guitar Trucker Hats while you're there!

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