Thursday, May 1, 2008

Censored!

My previous post regarding Miley Cyrus's Non-Nude Photo was composed primarily at the Airport, where I do most of my internetting, but after leaving the airport I realized I couldn't remember which part of which version of the post I had used. Yes, I actually edit this garbage; you should see how bad it is beforehand!

Anyway, as I cruised homeward, I realized that I wasn't positive that the final draft didn't still have chunks of previous drafts left in it when I clicked the "publish" button, which could cause the post to not make any grammatical sense, and not be funny. Well, I couldn't have that, so, before going home, I swung by the public library and pulled up the page to make sure that I hadn't ruined a good idea by posting it half-finished.

As it turns out, I hadn't. The post was cohesively written, and made perfect sense, I looked forward to it drawing approving chuckles from the world. *BUT* - There were a couple of tiny Capitalization and punc.tuation errors that I decided to take care of anyway. I corrected those little problems, and went home to bed, happy in the knowledge that my post was perfect, and I needed only to wait for the approving comments to come rolling in, along with job offers from The Onion and Comedy Central.

But little did I know that forces beyond my control had manipulated my post, rendering it meaningless and unfunny while I slept.

That night, while at work, I checked up on the world's goings-on via my handy-dandy Mobile-Web-2.0-enabled cellphone, and there, in my RSS inbox was my post. I read it, and was astonished to find that there were words, and parts of words, missing! After all the double checking, I had still managed to publish an uncorrected version.

Then I realized that the only thing removed from my post was the word "naked", all three times I had used it. "She is obviously naked in that picture" became "She is obviously in that picture". "Covering up your nakedness" became "Covering up your ness" Your ness? Ness, is not funny, nakedness is! Darnit, Naked-censors, you ruined my funny! My lovingly crafted funny.

At first I blamed Google, because the blogspot.com domain where TDBotD is hosted is run by Google, and because, well, why not! Thoughts of defecting to WordPress or some smaller host flamed through my mind. I don't need your free hosting, Google, if you are going to ruin my funny while my back is turned!, I thought. I'll dump you like I dumped Flickr, see if I won't!

But then I thought, Waitta-dadgum-minutt! I posted the final version of that post from the Monteagle Public Library! From one of the most protected,censored, monitored and locked-down computers outside of the Pentagon!

To even use the computer at the Library you have to get a passcode from the circulation desk, which grants you a 59-minute and 59-second, and counting... session at the PC, which, like most library computers, was donated by the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation around 2001, pre-loaded with Microsoft-approved software that may not be removed, manipulated, or tampered with in any way, ever! I am actually surprised the Library didn't pull a page from the Scummy Gas Station playbook, and make you ask for a key, which is attached to a tire iron, or a baseball bat, or a cinder block, so you don't run off with it.

After getting your passcode and taking your seat In the children's section, next to The Bearenstein Bears Eat Judy Blume And Some Fried Worms, you may then use the computer, provided you don't need to access any information on a CD, DVD, FlashDrive, or anything else other than a 1.44 MB Floppy Disk. (It was good enough for your Old Man back in 1996, and it'll dang well be good enough for you!)

You also have to click on an agreement page when you first sign on that says "Even though we make every attempt to block any information about nakedness, guns, drugs, liberals, communism, unicorns or other inappropriate material from this computer, the information available on the internets is very, very naughty, and if you are the sort of person that doesn't want to see naked pictures of Miley Cyrus's right shouder, then you should probably turn back now, and if you are scarred for life by a Paris Hilton Hardee's Commercial or a Rap Video, then you can't say we didn't try to warn you."

...Or something like that; I didn't read the stupid thing, I just clicked the "OK" button under something about "a claim on your immortal soul".

Besides, I didn't have to worry about any of that legal mumbo-jumbo, I just needed to borrow the computer so I could zip off a quick story about Naked Pictures of a 15-year-old. From the Children's section of the Public Library. What could be wrong with that?

When I put it like that, I guess I should just be glad that I wasn't tackled to the ground by FBI agents in the parking lot, and forcibly sterilized with a Tazer before being put in a squad car with a special flashing "Kiddie Perv on Board" sign, and shown "what they do to your kind in lockup".

Anyway, I have now re-inserted all the not-really-dirty words that the library computer removed, and if you were wondering why that post seemed a little disjointed, well, now you know... The Rest Of The Story.

Good Day!







photo by TimmyGUNZ

3 comments:

Jeremy Gibson said...

I thought you censored it yourself to make it funny. Which it kinda did actually.

Frank Gibson said...

Jeremy - Becca thought the same thing! I guess I discovered funniness by accident! Like Penicillin, X-rays, Potato Chips, and Vulcanized Rubber!

I thought it just read disjointedly, but so far you are the second person who thought the censorship made it funny in a different way.

purpleivey said...

and let's not forget the fun accidents of silly putty and chocolate chip cookies...

And I had thought that the articles you'd quoted from were either badly written or they themselves had misquoted their sources.

Oh, don't even get me started on the free library computer stuff - that's what I do now - I work with those people! : p