The Secret of the Ninja

Can you read this? No? Good. Look at the title: it's a secret, Dummy! you think I am just going to publish it on the web for just anyone to read? Honestly, why bother having a secret in the first place....
Hello, I am a ninja. No, I am not that guy from the podcast. That guy is a sellout hack; Besides, he's only half ninja, on his mother's side. His Dad is actually a Samurai. Not that I have anything against Samurai. I've got friends who are Samurai. Plenty of them! But we don't go around kidding ourselves that they are ninja. What vehicle do we get named after us? The fastest Motorcycle in the world! What do they get? the Suzuki Samurai, the little four cylinder jeep that rolls over and kills people. Not that I have anything against killing people. I just don't like to do it in fiery auto crashes. That one time was an exception to the rule. Anyway... I didn't write this to tell you about Samurai. I wrote it to make a quick 50 bucks. (Although I am thinking of asking for payment in Euros from now on.) By The Way, Frank - I put your wallet in the wall safe, behind the picture of the penguins. In the box that your family (and the FBI) don't know anything about. It's in between the bank bag and the microfilm. I would hate for anything to happen to your wallet, you know, so I put it there for safe keeping. I am sure we will stay in touch. So, what are the secrets of the ninja? Well, of course, I can't tell you any of the big ones, or I would have to kill you. And I can't be bothered to kill all 12 of you. (or are you up to almost 20 now, Frank?) To be perfectly blunt, some of you are not really worth making the trip to kill. So, what secrets of the ninja can I divulge? Well, I had a Teddy Bear growing up, and his name was Piddles. There! That is a Secret, from a Bona Fide Ninja, and with that, my contractual obligation is done. Signed, A Ninja.