Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Post In Which I Pay Far Too Much Attention To Carrie Underwood.

Last week it seemed a topic kept popping up over and over again. The subject of Carrie Underwood, and her song about the violent destruction of her man's* "pretty little 'souped-up' 4-wheel drive".

*Is he her man? What relationship is this man to her? Boyfriend? Husband? "Baby-daddy"?** "Stalking victim"? One of the places this topic came up was in a video clip I watched the other day in which none other than Grammy-winner and quintuple-nominee John Mayer does a stand up comedy bit about this very subject. Go check it out and come back, I'll wait. [Warning:] bit contains potentially offensive language and subject matter!!

**One of the things I've noticed since moving up here is that a LOT of women I know refer to their "Domestic Partners" or "Common-Law Husbands" as simply "My Old Man". The phrase "My Old Lady" gets used a lot too, when one wants to be intentionally vague about one's marital status. In some parts of the world, the terms "Baby-Daddy" and "Baby-Mama" get used to describe some "non-traditional" relationships, but up here in the mountains of Southeast Tennessee, the term is "My Old Man".

Anyway, with John having mentioned that Carrie here might be a little unsure of her relationship with the recipient of her wrath, I thought "You know what? The song says that she DID do all of that stuff to his truck, but it only says he "probably" was cheating! Nowhere in the song does it say he actually cheated! Just he's "probably" doing this, that and the other.

Well a song's lyrics can't go into to much detail, so I headed on over to YouTube to see the Video of "Before He Cheats". Yeah,I watched a Country Music Video. On Purpose. I Suffer for my Art, people!

Well the first thing that struck me was how pretty you have to make yourself look before you go smash up someone's vehicle. I would have gone with a simple ski-mask, or "pantyhose-over-the-head" ensemble for the occasion, but Ms. Underwood (and no, she's not a Hobbit) thought she would disguise herself by the skillful application of 3 pounds of cosmetic make-up.
Officer: Could you give me a description of the assailant, sir?
Witness: Yessir- She looked kinda like Britney Spears, but.. y'know, back when she used to be pretty.
That was the first thing that struck me about the video. The second thing that struck me is that, while in the video there is verifiable infidelity, she smashes up his truck Before she witnesses the cheatage. Should have seen this coming though, since the title of the song is "Before He Cheats". Kind of a preemptive strike. So, ladies.. if you have reason to believe your man might be unfaithful to you later, just go ape-$#!* on his car now, and get it out of the way. Just nip that crap in the bud; you'll be glad you did. [warning] Do not attempt this if you need to use the vehicle in the near future. Plan your work and work your plan!

The third thing that struck me about the video is that after witnessing the cheatage in the video, Ms. Underwood (still not a Hobbit!) wreaks telekinetic vengeance on all of Bourbon Street like Jean Grey in X-Men, or Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, or... Waitaminute! her name is Carrie!?

As in "Nooo! They're All Gonna Laugh At You!"?

OK. If you know any one named Carrie-- DO NOT MAKE THEM MAD. They may have telekinetic powers with which they can destroy your entire town and everyone in it!

Or they may have a Louisville Slugger, and a set of car keys. Or Both! Either way, they can make things hard on you, so: Do not cheat on a Carrie, do not give a Carrie reason to believe you will cheat on her, and never, EVER dump a bucket of pig's blood on her at the Prom. That is a major no-no, that is!

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