Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Weight ,Weight, Don't Tell Me...

I have been increasingly aware that I am fat lately. This is mostly because I am increasingly fat lately. Not only fat, but out of shape. I suppose I can blame some of my recently acquired girth to recuperation from my scooter crash, during which I was even more sedentary than usual (although not really by much, now that I think about it), but the fact is, I have been slowly building up to this weight ever since I got married. (Not that I am blaming my wife or anything, but honestly, have you tried her blueberry pie? Seriously, it's awesome.)

From 8th Grade, through my third year of College (that's 8 years, for those of you who didn't do the math), every single time I stepped on a scale, I was found to be 160 pounds, regardless of whose scale it was, what I was wearing, or what I had just eaten. Every... single... time. Not 161, not 159, but 160 - on the dot. For eight years straight.

Then one day it was 165. No biggie, 5 pounds, who cares? I'm still svelte and in shape, right? then at the point when I had a Gym membership back in February '06, I was regularly right around 175, trending toward 180. At that point, my attempts at exercise were mostly for Becca's sake, both to give her a "Workout Buddy", because she was concerned about maintaining her own figure, and to keep her from nagging me, because she was concerned about my health as well.

But the concerns were all hers, not mine. As far as I was concerned, I was in a lot better shape than a lot of folks I knew, and was still comfortable with my own appearance, with only an occasional "Gut-Suck-In" maneuver required. She has continued working out, though not as often as she would like, but she has largely given up on me as a "workout buddy". I am not coordinated enough to do the choreographed video workouts along with her. Watching my attempts could cause death - from laughter, to the point of major organ failure, or at least loss of bladder control. And when it comes to running for exercise, I have longer legs, and a much faster sprint than she does, so our runs could only marginally be considered "together".

Well, As previously reported, I recently acquired a pedal-powered two-wheeler, and my first attempts on it were frighteningly awareness-raising. Then, a little over a week ago, I inadvertently tapped the digital scale at the airport, and it blinked its red, luminous, zero at me, enticing me, no begging me, nay, DARING me to step atop it, and be judged.

189 pounds, its red numbers shone up at me. 189 is practically 190. and 190 is a hop, skip, and a jump from 200! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

But weight... There's more! (Simply a bad pun, or a Freudian typo? Only I know for sure!)

Last Sunday, my wife and I were part of a group outing to a "ropes" course, or challenge course, In the far reaches of our neighboring county. To "warm up", the group played a little elbow tag. After nearly three minutes of being "it", and chasing a teenager around a field, I was bending over double, winded and sucking for air. So, not only am I weighing more, I am actually getting physically wimpier, too.

Well, that night I rode the bicycle the easy .8 miles to work. After clocking out the next morning, I decided to make a real go at the whole exercise thing, and bike the 4 or so miles to the airport. It was tough, but I made it, and after walking around the tarmac for a cool down, and checking my e-mail, I took the car home, leaving Becca and the bike behind. That afternoon I retrieved the bike, and rode it the 5 miles home.

On the way home, after the scale reminded me I was overweight, and after the game of tag reminded me that I had no endurance, I was issued another reminder. The final straw, if you will.

As I hunched over the handlebars, huffing, and puffing, and pumping those pedals, my cellphone was dislodged from its place on my belt clip, and went clattering to the gravel on the roadside. What caused the phone to be forced from its holster? Why, it was on account of the pressure being exerted on it by my LOVE HANDLES overhanging my belt!

As of yesterday, I am officially on a "Health Kick"


JeremyG said...

Don't feel too bad...
I'm up to 245. It's ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

I have trouble believing Jeremy is weighs that much - maybe there is more gravity where he lives - or more levity here.

Well, Frank, welcome to the world of adulthood. (and, yes, the berry pies are most excellent, which is why I never bake them.-special treats only)