News You Can't Use

**Nashville, Tennessee** 34 year old Gretchen Wilson, the singer/songwriter behind the country hit "Redneck Woman", will be donning a cap and gown on May 15th, and receiving her GED.

As of this writing, Jeff Foxworthy was unavailable for hilarious comment.

Now if the whole "Country Music Superstar" thing doesn't work out, she is qualified for the job of "Shift Supervisor" at any Waffle House in the nation. It doesn't pay much, but it will keep food on the table, tires on the trailer, and Christmas lights on the front porch all year long.

**Riverdale, Utah** 54 year old Chief of Police, Dave Hansen, a 23 year veteran of the Riverdale police force, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating how to clear a jammed handgun in the conference room of the police headquarters.

Local resident Floyd Lawson agreed that things were a lot better back when the Sheriff allowed then-deputy Hansen only a single bullet, to be kept in his pocket until needed.

This is believed to be the worst accident of its kind since the Don Knotts Police Training Academy opened its doors seven years ago.

**Baghdad, Iraq** Iraqi First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, escaped unhurt from a roadside bombing which killed 4 others in her entourage. It is believed that the attack was not targeted, but one of the many random disruptive attacks aimed at the war-torn nation's capitol.

"We don't see how this attack could have been targeted at the First Lady," said a member of the security detail named Faoud Saruch, who agreed to speak with TDBotD on the condition that his name not be used. "The terrorist cowards could have had no idea what route we would be taking to the awards."

The attack kept the First Lady from attending the Grunhilde Awards Ceremony, hosted this year in Dubai. This year's ceremony was intended to showcase Dubai's opulent new auditorium, the Carlos R. Norris Roundhouse Theater. The Grunhilde awards, or "Hildys", are given by the Grunhilde K. McGillicutty Foundation, to "The World's Sexiest People with the Least Sexy Names".

The First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, was considered to be a contender for the Female Muslim Leader category, which was considered "in play" this year, since the unfortunate passing of Benazir Bhutto, who had won the award for 9 of the last 10 years, a record surpassed only by Tennessee's famous sheriff, Buford Pusser, the inspiration for the "Walking Tall" movies, who received 11 "Hildys" throughout his lifetime.

**Neosho, Missouri** A man identified as a self-proclaimed pastor in Newton County has been charged with sexually molesting a member of his church when she was a minor four to five years ago. 49 year old Randall Danny Russell, pastor of the Acts II Church, was arrested last Tuesday. He was charged Wednesday with second-degree statutory rape, second-degree statutory sodomy and child abuse.

Upon hearing the news, Neosho's small Catholic population was quoted as saying "See!? See? it's not just our guys!", to which the Protestant population shot back, "Yeah, well at least OUR pedophiles are heterosexual!"

In related news, Barack Obama is expected to launch his "At Least My Preacher Isn't A Pedophile" tour this week.

Miley Cyrus Shows Some Ankle; May Have Gone In Public Without Veil!

Miley Cyrus, 15 year old Super-mega-star of stage, screen, and song, was recently photgraphed by Annie Leibowitz for Vanity Fair magazine. One of the photographs featured the young actress/singer/mullet-heiress dressed in only a satin bedsheet, which has skinophobic Modesty Advocates across the country up in arms. Or, up in sleeves, anyway. Long, modesty-preserving sleeves.

For comment, The Daily Blog of the Day turned to an outraged parent named Bob Meyers, who asked that his name not be used in publication.

"Yeah, I was pretty disgusted", said Bob Meyers. "I mean she is very obviously naked in that picture, except for, you know.. the fabric covering up the entire front of her body. But aside from that, she is totally naked! If you kind of squint a little, and hold the magazine at the right angle, you can pretty much see the outline of one of her.. um.. you-know-whats.. quite clearly, unless maybe that's just a wrinkle in the fabric there.

"I would have thought [father, and former Chippendale's dancer] Billy-Ray [Cyrus] would have raised her better than that! I mean you can see her whole shoulder, and back, and everything! Except for that sheet, I mean. But if you think that wrapping up your nakedness in a couple of yards of fabric makes it somehow OK to be photographed like that, then you've got another thing coming!"

One Blog, mediabistro's FishbowlNY, turned to blogger and professional photo editor Rob Haggart for comment. His thoughts on the photo shoot were, "You point a camera at anybody and they start to take their clothes off".

We here at TDBotD are pretty sure he is wrong on this point. However, look for Nikon to begin using this as their new slogan in their Summer marketing campaign, aimed at selling cameras to males between the ages of 12 and 89.

It Ticks!!

Doctors at University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore, Through a Project Called 'Da Vinci', are using Robots to do Heart Surgery.

No offense, But I watched "The Wizard of Oz", and if the Tin Man was willing to travel through dangerous Poppy Fields full of Flying Monkeys to get a Heart, I'm not about to let him near mine with a pair of scissors!

I am sure the doctors hearts are in the right place with this program, but that is only because the Robots haven't been able to get at them!

Would you let a Scarecrow perform Brain Surgery?

I Rest My Case.

Lasers In The News!

**This Just In!** A panel of the Federal Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has been assembled to look into the complaints of patients who say they are suffering after having the popular LASIK eye surgery. Details are unclear at this point, but many of the complaints are believed to be from people who let a doctor shoot them in the EYEBALL with a freaking LASER! On Purpose!

In other News, people whose doctors hit them on the head with hammers are reporting severe headaches!

**Bulletin!** Researchers in New Mexico have been able to create electrical activity within thunderstorms, by aiming a high-powered laser into passing storm clouds. Man-made lightning would open the way into new research into the normally-elusive weather phenomenon, and may provide scientists with the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to reliably fuel their Flux Capacitors.

Asked about the research, one of the Scientists said, "Well, We already had this high-powered Laser, so We Aimed it at the clouds to see what would happen. What else were we gonna' do with it? Shoot it into people's eyeballs? Seriously, that would be stupid, you could hurt somebody!"

**Breaking Story!** The Beamz "Laser Music System" is now on sale accross the country wherever fine Laser Music Systems are sold. The device allows users to "conduct" one of 30 pre-loaded arragements, by waving their hands through 6 laser beams that span the system's "W" shaped brackets. The device has been harshly panned for having an incredibly cheesy "Infomercial", and for generally making it's users look like morons. As of this wirting, no one has yet intentionally stuck their naked eyeball directly in the laser's path, probably because it is such a dangerous and stupid thing to do.

photo by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

Looking Like an Idiot Still Legal in Louisiana!

Louisiana State Senator Derrick Shepherd's bill to outlaw baggy pants was shut down by a state Senate Panel earlier this week.

The law would outlaw the wearing of clothing that "intentionally exposes undergarments, or intentionally exposes any portion of the pubic hair, cleft of the buttocks, or genitals", a crime punishable by up to 8 days of community service and/or fines as high as $175.

The anti-indecency law, inexplicably, contains an exception for thong swimsuits. On the approximately .005% of the population likely to own and wear them, I guess wearing a thong actually counts AS community service, canceling out the crime. (Guilty of one count of criminal Her-assment?)

The law failed, due to concerns about limiting Freedom of expression. Also, possibly, out of concerns that the young men deprived of their gigantic jeans might resort to hanging out on the sidewalks wearing thongs.

Photo by Eleventh Earl of Mar

Robert Cheruiot won the Boston marathon yesterday, giving his home country of Kenya their 15th champion in the last 17 years.

Note to Hillary Clinton: When running in an unprecedentedly long and grueling "marathon" race for the Presidency, try to make sure your opponent isn't even the slightest bit Kenyan.

In Other News, Barack Obama has announced he will be running the rest of the race barefoot.