News You Can't Use

**Nashville, Tennessee** 34 year old Gretchen Wilson, the singer/songwriter behind the country hit "Redneck Woman", will be donning a cap and gown on May 15th, and receiving her GED.

As of this writing, Jeff Foxworthy was unavailable for hilarious comment.

Now if the whole "Country Music Superstar" thing doesn't work out, she is qualified for the job of "Shift Supervisor" at any Waffle House in the nation. It doesn't pay much, but it will keep food on the table, tires on the trailer, and Christmas lights on the front porch all year long.

**Riverdale, Utah** 54 year old Chief of Police, Dave Hansen, a 23 year veteran of the Riverdale police force, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating how to clear a jammed handgun in the conference room of the police headquarters.

Local resident Floyd Lawson agreed that things were a lot better back when the Sheriff allowed then-deputy Hansen only a single bullet, to be kept in his pocket until needed.

This is believed to be the worst accident of its kind since the Don Knotts Police Training Academy opened its doors seven years ago.

**Baghdad, Iraq** Iraqi First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, escaped unhurt from a roadside bombing which killed 4 others in her entourage. It is believed that the attack was not targeted, but one of the many random disruptive attacks aimed at the war-torn nation's capitol.

"We don't see how this attack could have been targeted at the First Lady," said a member of the security detail named Faoud Saruch, who agreed to speak with TDBotD on the condition that his name not be used. "The terrorist cowards could have had no idea what route we would be taking to the awards."

The attack kept the First Lady from attending the Grunhilde Awards Ceremony, hosted this year in Dubai. This year's ceremony was intended to showcase Dubai's opulent new auditorium, the Carlos R. Norris Roundhouse Theater. The Grunhilde awards, or "Hildys", are given by the Grunhilde K. McGillicutty Foundation, to "The World's Sexiest People with the Least Sexy Names".

The First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, was considered to be a contender for the Female Muslim Leader category, which was considered "in play" this year, since the unfortunate passing of Benazir Bhutto, who had won the award for 9 of the last 10 years, a record surpassed only by Tennessee's famous sheriff, Buford Pusser, the inspiration for the "Walking Tall" movies, who received 11 "Hildys" throughout his lifetime.

**Neosho, Missouri** A man identified as a self-proclaimed pastor in Newton County has been charged with sexually molesting a member of his church when she was a minor four to five years ago. 49 year old Randall Danny Russell, pastor of the Acts II Church, was arrested last Tuesday. He was charged Wednesday with second-degree statutory rape, second-degree statutory sodomy and child abuse.

Upon hearing the news, Neosho's small Catholic population was quoted as saying "See!? See? it's not just our guys!", to which the Protestant population shot back, "Yeah, well at least OUR pedophiles are heterosexual!"

In related news, Barack Obama is expected to launch his "At Least My Preacher Isn't A Pedophile" tour this week.