**This Just In!** A panel of the Federal Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has been assembled to look into the complaints of patients who say they are suffering after having the popular LASIK eye surgery. Details are unclear at this point, but many of the complaints are believed to be from people who let a doctor shoot them in the EYEBALL with a freaking LASER! On Purpose!
In other News, people whose doctors hit them on the head with hammers are reporting severe headaches!
**Bulletin!** Researchers in New Mexico have been able to create electrical activity within thunderstorms, by aiming a high-powered laser into passing storm clouds. Man-made lightning would open the way into new research into the normally-elusive weather phenomenon, and may provide scientists with the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to reliably fuel their Flux Capacitors.
Asked about the research, one of the Scientists said, "Well, We already had this high-powered Laser, so We Aimed it at the clouds to see what would happen. What else were we gonna' do with it? Shoot it into people's eyeballs? Seriously, that would be stupid, you could hurt somebody!"
**Breaking Story!** The Beamz "Laser Music System" is now on sale accross the country wherever fine Laser Music Systems are sold. The device allows users to "conduct" one of 30 pre-loaded arragements, by waving their hands through 6 laser beams that span the system's "W" shaped brackets. The device has been harshly panned for having an incredibly cheesy "Infomercial", and for generally making it's users look like morons. As of this wirting, no one has yet intentionally stuck their naked eyeball directly in the laser's path, probably because it is such a dangerous and stupid thing to do.
photo by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³