My 4th ever California Vacation Begins Today! I am headed to see the In-laws in Nashville tonight, and on Sunday morning we depart for the San Luis Obispo by way of Los Angeles. We will get to spend 4 or 5 hours with my brother there before beginning the "Road Trip" portion of our journey North to San Luis Obispo.
I will be blogging through the whole thing, BUT I will be even more frequently mini-blogging the adventure 140 characters at a time, in real time, via twitter. If you have been on the fence about Twitter, Now is a good time to get an account (it's free) so you can live vicariously through me, as I singlehandedly Stimulate the U.S. Economy, braving Airline Security and High Fuel Prices so you don't have to. (or because you can't afford to.)
If you already have twitter, now is a good time to start following me. Just send "follow phrankygee", and you're ready to track me.
For those of you who are not Twitterers (it really isn't for everyone), you can follow along from this site, up there in the mini-blog near the top of the page.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New Cartoon Blog!
OK Blogfans - if there are any of you left... I have a new blog set up just for my Cartoons. Rather than go back through a year's worth of blog and remove all references to non-partisanship, I decided to ask my more decidedly political stuff - Cartoons and accompanying Editorials - to please take it outside!
The new blog is simply titled FG Cartoons, and is at http://fgcartoons.blogspot.com , with no reference in the name to dailiness or weekliness or any other schedule commitment. The plan is to do one a week, but I already have another one halfway finished, so we COULD possibly get to more than one a week. After all some very topical and timely jokes won't be funny in two weeks!
The plan is to release them on Sundays, but the first one is out today, and it is entitled "Remodelpublicans". Go enjoy it, or hate it, or whatever... But drop me a comment either way.
And if you have agreed to disagree with me , or would just rather remain ignorant of my more controversial opinions, feel free to leave your computer tuned to this site, where I will resume my previous tone of inclusivity and civility and general non-offensiveness wherever possible.
The new blog is simply titled FG Cartoons, and is at http://fgcartoons.blogspot.com , with no reference in the name to dailiness or weekliness or any other schedule commitment. The plan is to do one a week, but I already have another one halfway finished, so we COULD possibly get to more than one a week. After all some very topical and timely jokes won't be funny in two weeks!
The plan is to release them on Sundays, but the first one is out today, and it is entitled "Remodelpublicans". Go enjoy it, or hate it, or whatever... But drop me a comment either way.
And if you have agreed to disagree with me , or would just rather remain ignorant of my more controversial opinions, feel free to leave your computer tuned to this site, where I will resume my previous tone of inclusivity and civility and general non-offensiveness wherever possible.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Weekly Cartoon Of The Week!!
I am super-duper happy to announce the release of TDBotD's first ever Comic Strip! This is a feature I will try to post weekly, but I think we all know how that goes by now.
Anyway the cartoon is called Ralphie And Friends, and it Features Ralphie, a character I created for the "Smiley Boy" comic strip which ran in my High School Newspaper back in 1996, my Senior Year, back when the internet was called "America Online", and it made whistly-staticky sounds every time your computer dialed in, and people still read things written with actual ink on actual newsprint. (Yes, Old People, I am that young, and Yes, Young People, I am that old!)
Ralphie (just plain Ralph back then) was simply a "straight man" sidekick for the strip's titular character, Smiley Boy. But Smiley just didn't fit in with the tone of the new strip, so Ralphie has been propelled into the age of Webcomics as the star of his own strip. Smiley may show up too sometime, but I won't hold my breath.
The new comic IS political in nature, and the other character in this weeks strip is Ralph's political sparring partner, Talking Point. I expect he will be a rich vein of humor to be mined for years to come. Right-wingers don't despair, Point has a Lefty counterpart (counterpoint?) named Ms. Point, and I am sure she will have her turn in the spotlight often enough.
Without Further Ado, I bring you The Very First Installment of Ralphie And Friends! (click it to get it bigger.)
Anyway the cartoon is called Ralphie And Friends, and it Features Ralphie, a character I created for the "Smiley Boy" comic strip which ran in my High School Newspaper back in 1996, my Senior Year, back when the internet was called "America Online", and it made whistly-staticky sounds every time your computer dialed in, and people still read things written with actual ink on actual newsprint. (Yes, Old People, I am that young, and Yes, Young People, I am that old!)
Ralphie (just plain Ralph back then) was simply a "straight man" sidekick for the strip's titular character, Smiley Boy. But Smiley just didn't fit in with the tone of the new strip, so Ralphie has been propelled into the age of Webcomics as the star of his own strip. Smiley may show up too sometime, but I won't hold my breath.
The new comic IS political in nature, and the other character in this weeks strip is Ralph's political sparring partner, Talking Point. I expect he will be a rich vein of humor to be mined for years to come. Right-wingers don't despair, Point has a Lefty counterpart (counterpoint?) named Ms. Point, and I am sure she will have her turn in the spotlight often enough.
Without Further Ado, I bring you The Very First Installment of Ralphie And Friends! (click it to get it bigger.)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Food News You CAN Use!
Hey, Nature and/or Food Lovers!
Got A Bottle of White Vinegar around? You know, the stuff that smells really, well... vinegary, and is useful for all sorts of things, from flavorizing your potato chips, to cleaning your sink, to creating life-like science-fair volcano models? (with the help of its partner-in-fizz, Baking Soda)
Well, before you douse your next bag of Ruffles in the stuff (and its partner-in-flavor, Salt)*, you might want to think about this...
Your bottle of White Vinegar might be made from PETROLEUM! (A-Bubbling Crude - Black Gold, Texas Tea!) That's right, the same stuff your plastic sunglasses, new sweatshirt, and Hefty bags are made out of. The same stuff powering your lawnmower, your friend's new pickup truck, and your next-door-neighbor's Lear Jet. (Or maybe your neighbor's pickup, and your friend's jet, I don't know your particular situation.)
Heck, your vinegar may be made from the same stuff your vinegar BOTTLE is made of. Run out of vinegar? Just melt down the bottle, and use that! (OK, the TDBotD fleet-o'-lawyers made me add DO NOT actually attempt to consume a melted plastic bottle; that part was a joke)
But the petroleum based vinegar thing may not be a joke. My Bestest Blog-friends over at Tiny Choices came upon this freakish news, and being the upstanding citizens they are, instantly shared it with the world, or at least the portion of the world that reads Tiny Choices. (Judging from their comments section, it's quite a few more people than read this stuff that I post here!)
Here's the Thing: I don't eat, nor have I ever eaten, Vinegar, and what's more, I dislike the taste and smell of vinegar so much that I stay away from foods made with vinegar. That means I don't eat any salad dressings (unless you count Cheese and Bacon!),and I don't eat pickles or ketchup, either. It's like a part of me knew all along that this stuff was made from petrochemicals. The fumey, wafty smell was my first clue, I think.
Not all vinegars are this way. Heinz brand White Vinegar explicitly states on the label that it is from all-natural (vegetable) sources. But that's the expensive name-brand stuff; You can bet that the stuff they are using at the ConglomoCorp food factory, the stuff that comes in 55-gallon drums, is probably the cheapest stuff they can get, which, up to this point has been the stuff derived from dead T-rexes.
But - Dead T-rexes, as you may have heard, are getting a lot harder to come by these days, and subsequently a lot more expensive ($130/barrel already?). So the bright side of this is: As oil prices continue to soar, It makes food more expensive, BUT it also may force big Food Manufacturers to start making more of our food out of actual food!
* Yeah, Anna, I'm talkin' to you!
photo by JillDoughtie
Got A Bottle of White Vinegar around? You know, the stuff that smells really, well... vinegary, and is useful for all sorts of things, from flavorizing your potato chips, to cleaning your sink, to creating life-like science-fair volcano models? (with the help of its partner-in-fizz, Baking Soda)Well, before you douse your next bag of Ruffles in the stuff (and its partner-in-flavor, Salt)*, you might want to think about this...
Your bottle of White Vinegar might be made from PETROLEUM! (A-Bubbling Crude - Black Gold, Texas Tea!) That's right, the same stuff your plastic sunglasses, new sweatshirt, and Hefty bags are made out of. The same stuff powering your lawnmower, your friend's new pickup truck, and your next-door-neighbor's Lear Jet. (Or maybe your neighbor's pickup, and your friend's jet, I don't know your particular situation.)
Heck, your vinegar may be made from the same stuff your vinegar BOTTLE is made of. Run out of vinegar? Just melt down the bottle, and use that! (OK, the TDBotD fleet-o'-lawyers made me add DO NOT actually attempt to consume a melted plastic bottle; that part was a joke)
But the petroleum based vinegar thing may not be a joke. My Bestest Blog-friends over at Tiny Choices came upon this freakish news, and being the upstanding citizens they are, instantly shared it with the world, or at least the portion of the world that reads Tiny Choices. (Judging from their comments section, it's quite a few more people than read this stuff that I post here!)
Here's the Thing: I don't eat, nor have I ever eaten, Vinegar, and what's more, I dislike the taste and smell of vinegar so much that I stay away from foods made with vinegar. That means I don't eat any salad dressings (unless you count Cheese and Bacon!),and I don't eat pickles or ketchup, either. It's like a part of me knew all along that this stuff was made from petrochemicals. The fumey, wafty smell was my first clue, I think.
Not all vinegars are this way. Heinz brand White Vinegar explicitly states on the label that it is from all-natural (vegetable) sources. But that's the expensive name-brand stuff; You can bet that the stuff they are using at the ConglomoCorp food factory, the stuff that comes in 55-gallon drums, is probably the cheapest stuff they can get, which, up to this point has been the stuff derived from dead T-rexes.
But - Dead T-rexes, as you may have heard, are getting a lot harder to come by these days, and subsequently a lot more expensive ($130/barrel already?). So the bright side of this is: As oil prices continue to soar, It makes food more expensive, BUT it also may force big Food Manufacturers to start making more of our food out of actual food!
* Yeah, Anna, I'm talkin' to you!
photo by JillDoughtie
Monday, May 5, 2008
News You Can't Use
**Nashville, Tennessee** 34 year old Gretchen Wilson, the singer/songwriter behind the country hit "Redneck Woman", will be donning a cap and gown on May 15th, and receiving her GED.
As of this writing, Jeff Foxworthy was unavailable for hilarious comment.
Now if the whole "Country Music Superstar" thing doesn't work out, she is qualified for the job of "Shift Supervisor" at any Waffle House in the nation. It doesn't pay much, but it will keep food on the table, tires on the trailer, and Christmas lights on the front porch all year long.
**Riverdale, Utah** 54 year old Chief of Police, Dave Hansen, a 23 year veteran of the Riverdale police force, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating how to clear a jammed handgun in the conference room of the police headquarters.
Local resident Floyd Lawson agreed that things were a lot better back when the Sheriff allowed then-deputy Hansen only a single bullet, to be kept in his pocket until needed.
This is believed to be the worst accident of its kind since the Don Knotts Police Training Academy opened its doors seven years ago.
**Baghdad, Iraq** Iraqi First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, escaped unhurt from a roadside bombing which killed 4 others in her entourage. It is believed that the attack was not targeted, but one of the many random disruptive attacks aimed at the war-torn nation's capitol.
"We don't see how this attack could have been targeted at the First Lady," said a member of the security detail named Faoud Saruch, who agreed to speak with TDBotD on the condition that his name not be used. "The terrorist cowards could have had no idea what route we would be taking to the awards."
The attack kept the First Lady from attending the Grunhilde Awards Ceremony, hosted this year in Dubai. This year's ceremony was intended to showcase Dubai's opulent new auditorium, the Carlos R. Norris Roundhouse Theater. The Grunhilde awards, or "Hildys", are given by the Grunhilde K. McGillicutty Foundation, to "The World's Sexiest People with the Least Sexy Names".
The First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, was considered to be a contender for the Female Muslim Leader category, which was considered "in play" this year, since the unfortunate passing of Benazir Bhutto, who had won the award for 9 of the last 10 years, a record surpassed only by Tennessee's famous sheriff, Buford Pusser, the inspiration for the "Walking Tall" movies, who received 11 "Hildys" throughout his lifetime.
**Neosho, Missouri** A man identified as a self-proclaimed pastor in Newton County has been charged with sexually molesting a member of his church when she was a minor four to five years ago. 49 year old Randall Danny Russell, pastor of the Acts II Church, was arrested last Tuesday. He was charged Wednesday with second-degree statutory rape, second-degree statutory sodomy and child abuse.
Upon hearing the news, Neosho's small Catholic population was quoted as saying "See!? See? it's not just our guys!", to which the Protestant population shot back, "Yeah, well at least OUR pedophiles are heterosexual!"
In related news, Barack Obama is expected to launch his "At Least My Preacher Isn't A Pedophile" tour this week.
As of this writing, Jeff Foxworthy was unavailable for hilarious comment.
Now if the whole "Country Music Superstar" thing doesn't work out, she is qualified for the job of "Shift Supervisor" at any Waffle House in the nation. It doesn't pay much, but it will keep food on the table, tires on the trailer, and Christmas lights on the front porch all year long.
**Riverdale, Utah** 54 year old Chief of Police, Dave Hansen, a 23 year veteran of the Riverdale police force, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating how to clear a jammed handgun in the conference room of the police headquarters.
Local resident Floyd Lawson agreed that things were a lot better back when the Sheriff allowed then-deputy Hansen only a single bullet, to be kept in his pocket until needed.
This is believed to be the worst accident of its kind since the Don Knotts Police Training Academy opened its doors seven years ago.
**Baghdad, Iraq** Iraqi First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, escaped unhurt from a roadside bombing which killed 4 others in her entourage. It is believed that the attack was not targeted, but one of the many random disruptive attacks aimed at the war-torn nation's capitol.
"We don't see how this attack could have been targeted at the First Lady," said a member of the security detail named Faoud Saruch, who agreed to speak with TDBotD on the condition that his name not be used. "The terrorist cowards could have had no idea what route we would be taking to the awards."
The attack kept the First Lady from attending the Grunhilde Awards Ceremony, hosted this year in Dubai. This year's ceremony was intended to showcase Dubai's opulent new auditorium, the Carlos R. Norris Roundhouse Theater. The Grunhilde awards, or "Hildys", are given by the Grunhilde K. McGillicutty Foundation, to "The World's Sexiest People with the Least Sexy Names".
The First Lady, Hiro Ibrahim Ahmed, was considered to be a contender for the Female Muslim Leader category, which was considered "in play" this year, since the unfortunate passing of Benazir Bhutto, who had won the award for 9 of the last 10 years, a record surpassed only by Tennessee's famous sheriff, Buford Pusser, the inspiration for the "Walking Tall" movies, who received 11 "Hildys" throughout his lifetime.
**Neosho, Missouri** A man identified as a self-proclaimed pastor in Newton County has been charged with sexually molesting a member of his church when she was a minor four to five years ago. 49 year old Randall Danny Russell, pastor of the Acts II Church, was arrested last Tuesday. He was charged Wednesday with second-degree statutory rape, second-degree statutory sodomy and child abuse.
Upon hearing the news, Neosho's small Catholic population was quoted as saying "See!? See? it's not just our guys!", to which the Protestant population shot back, "Yeah, well at least OUR pedophiles are heterosexual!"
In related news, Barack Obama is expected to launch his "At Least My Preacher Isn't A Pedophile" tour this week.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The Space-Time Continuum Is Feeling Kinda' Fragile Lately...
Wanna Hear A Weird Story? No? Oh, Well, I'm gonna' write it anyway...
Years Ago, Sometime when I was in college, I think, or possibly just afterward, I got a call from someone, out of the Blue, who had contacted me in a fit of excitement to tell me (and perhaps everyone else he could reach) that he was standing in a parking lot, right next to a De Lorean, the Gull-winged sportscar from the 1980's most widely known as the time-travel vehicle of choice for one Marty McFly in Back to the Future. The De Lorean Motor Company (DMC) also inspired the name of the Rap group known as "Run DMC".
The DMC-12 was the only model ever produced by the Ireland-based company, and only about 6,500 of them are believed to still exist. So running into one of these in a restaurant parking lot is pretty unlikely.
Here's The Thing; I can't remember who it was that called me to tell me this. It was a male, around the same age as me, and was most likely either my Friend Corey, or Glenn, or maybe Jarrod.
Here's The Other Thing; This kind-of-slightly-interesting thing happened at least 5 or 6 years ago, and I hadn't given it a second thought for half a decade or more, but just recently, in the past 9 days or so, I have told this story TWICE.
My wife and I were talking about something-or-other while driving home, and somehow the conversation came around to this half-remembered story about getting an excited phone call from.. Who? My brother? or Corey, maybe? Might have been my brother, but I think it was Corey or Glenn or somebody. Then, just a couple of days after that, (Thursday, May 1st, to be exact) one of my co-workers mentioned the band Run DMC, and this led to me again recount this story of the time a guy I knew called me, out of nowhere, to let me know he was spitting-distance from this very rare and cinematically significant automobile. I didn't have to mention who it was that made the call, because my co-workers wouldn't have known them anyway, but again the thought nagged at me; I couldn't remember if it might have been my brother that called me.
3 days later, my cellphone beeply-beeped at me in the middle of the night as I lay in bed. I groped for it on the bedside table, and flipped it open to reveal a camera-phone picture of a De Lorean DMC-12, sent to me by my brother, completely out of the Blue! Underneath the picture was the brief, but evocative caption, "A Friggin Delorean!" (I only found out that that's not how "De Lorean" was spelled about halfway through writing this post.)
Now to make this even creepier, the message came after I watched a marathon of "Heroes" episodes from season 1, in which people are time-traveling, and predicting, painting, and altering the future all over the place. Was I "remembering" someone (maybe my brother?) calling me about seeing a De Lorean, or was I having a pre-cognitive vision of the future? After you watch 6 episodes of Heroes in 2 days, you start to think this way. Factor in the time-travel associations of the Back to the Future vehicle itself, and it really starts messing with your mind! I know I did get that call, and I am now relatively sure it wasn't my brother (What're the odds of seeing 2 of these things?), but it is nonetheless a really freaky coincidence!
Either that, or I am such a huge geek that the standard reaction upon anyone who knows me seeing a De Lorean is to instantly inform me of it.
Gotta go see Iron Man now, so... I'll see you in the future!
Years Ago, Sometime when I was in college, I think, or possibly just afterward, I got a call from someone, out of the Blue, who had contacted me in a fit of excitement to tell me (and perhaps everyone else he could reach) that he was standing in a parking lot, right next to a De Lorean, the Gull-winged sportscar from the 1980's most widely known as the time-travel vehicle of choice for one Marty McFly in Back to the Future. The De Lorean Motor Company (DMC) also inspired the name of the Rap group known as "Run DMC".
The DMC-12 was the only model ever produced by the Ireland-based company, and only about 6,500 of them are believed to still exist. So running into one of these in a restaurant parking lot is pretty unlikely.Here's The Thing; I can't remember who it was that called me to tell me this. It was a male, around the same age as me, and was most likely either my Friend Corey, or Glenn, or maybe Jarrod.
Here's The Other Thing; This kind-of-slightly-interesting thing happened at least 5 or 6 years ago, and I hadn't given it a second thought for half a decade or more, but just recently, in the past 9 days or so, I have told this story TWICE.
My wife and I were talking about something-or-other while driving home, and somehow the conversation came around to this half-remembered story about getting an excited phone call from.. Who? My brother? or Corey, maybe? Might have been my brother, but I think it was Corey or Glenn or somebody. Then, just a couple of days after that, (Thursday, May 1st, to be exact) one of my co-workers mentioned the band Run DMC, and this led to me again recount this story of the time a guy I knew called me, out of nowhere, to let me know he was spitting-distance from this very rare and cinematically significant automobile. I didn't have to mention who it was that made the call, because my co-workers wouldn't have known them anyway, but again the thought nagged at me; I couldn't remember if it might have been my brother that called me.
3 days later, my cellphone beeply-beeped at me in the middle of the night as I lay in bed. I groped for it on the bedside table, and flipped it open to reveal a camera-phone picture of a De Lorean DMC-12, sent to me by my brother, completely out of the Blue! Underneath the picture was the brief, but evocative caption, "A Friggin Delorean!" (I only found out that that's not how "De Lorean" was spelled about halfway through writing this post.)
Now to make this even creepier, the message came after I watched a marathon of "Heroes" episodes from season 1, in which people are time-traveling, and predicting, painting, and altering the future all over the place. Was I "remembering" someone (maybe my brother?) calling me about seeing a De Lorean, or was I having a pre-cognitive vision of the future? After you watch 6 episodes of Heroes in 2 days, you start to think this way. Factor in the time-travel associations of the Back to the Future vehicle itself, and it really starts messing with your mind! I know I did get that call, and I am now relatively sure it wasn't my brother (What're the odds of seeing 2 of these things?), but it is nonetheless a really freaky coincidence!
Either that, or I am such a huge geek that the standard reaction upon anyone who knows me seeing a De Lorean is to instantly inform me of it.
Gotta go see Iron Man now, so... I'll see you in the future!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Censored!
My previous post regarding Miley Cyrus's Non-Nude Photo was composed primarily at the Airport, where I do most of my internetting, but after leaving the airport I realized I couldn't remember which part of which version of the post I had used. Yes, I actually edit this garbage; you should see how bad it is beforehand!
Anyway, as I cruised homeward, I realized that I wasn't positive that the final draft didn't still have chunks of previous drafts left in it when I clicked the "publish" button, which could cause the post to not make any grammatical sense, and not be funny. Well, I couldn't have that, so, before going home, I swung by the public library and pulled up the page to make sure that I hadn't ruined a good idea by posting it half-finished.
As it turns out, I hadn't. The post was cohesively written, and made perfect sense, I looked forward to it drawing approving chuckles from the world. *BUT* - There were a couple of tiny Capitalization and punc.tuation errors that I decided to take care of anyway. I corrected those little problems, and went home to bed, happy in the knowledge that my post was perfect, and I needed only to wait for the approving comments to come rolling in, along with job offers from The Onion and Comedy Central.
But little did I know that forces beyond my control had manipulated my post, rendering it meaningless and unfunny while I slept.
That night, while at work, I checked up on the world's goings-on via my handy-dandy Mobile-Web-2.0-enabled cellphone, and there, in my RSS inbox was my post. I read it, and was astonished to find that there were words, and parts of words, missing! After all the double checking, I had still managed to publish an uncorrected version.
Then I realized that the only thing removed from my post was the word "naked", all three times I had used it. "She is obviously naked in that picture" became "She is obviously in that picture". "Covering up your nakedness" became "Covering up your ness" Your ness? Ness, is not funny, nakedness is! Darnit, Naked-censors, you ruined my funny! My lovingly crafted funny.
At first I blamed Google, because the blogspot.com domain where TDBotD is hosted is run by Google, and because, well, why not! Thoughts of defecting to WordPress or some smaller host flamed through my mind. I don't need your free hosting, Google, if you are going to ruin my funny while my back is turned!, I thought. I'll dump you like I dumped Flickr, see if I won't!
But then I thought, Waitta-dadgum-minutt! I posted the final version of that post from the Monteagle Public Library! From one of the most protected,censored, monitored and locked-down computers outside of the Pentagon!
To even use the computer at the Library you have to get a passcode from the circulation desk, which grants you a 59-minute and 59-second, and counting... session at the PC, which, like most library computers, was donated by the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation around 2001, pre-loaded with Microsoft-approved software that may not be removed, manipulated, or tampered with in any way, ever! I am actually surprised the Library didn't pull a page from the Scummy Gas Station playbook, and make you ask for a key, which is attached to a tire iron, or a baseball bat, or a cinder block, so you don't run off with it.
After getting your passcode and taking your seat In the children's section, next to The Bearenstein Bears Eat Judy Blume And Some Fried Worms, you may then use the computer, provided you don't need to access any information on a CD, DVD, FlashDrive, or anything else other than a 1.44 MB Floppy Disk. (It was good enough for your Old Man back in 1996, and it'll dang well be good enough for you!)
You also have to click on an agreement page when you first sign on that says "Even though we make every attempt to block any information about nakedness, guns, drugs, liberals, communism, unicorns or other inappropriate material from this computer, the information available on the internets is very, very naughty, and if you are the sort of person that doesn't want to see naked pictures of Miley Cyrus's right shouder, then you should probably turn back now, and if you are scarred for life by a Paris Hilton Hardee's Commercial or a Rap Video, then you can't say we didn't try to warn you."
...Or something like that; I didn't read the stupid thing, I just clicked the "OK" button under something about "a claim on your immortal soul".
Besides, I didn't have to worry about any of that legal mumbo-jumbo, I just needed to borrow the computer so I could zip off a quick story about Naked Pictures of a 15-year-old. From the Children's section of the Public Library. What could be wrong with that?
When I put it like that, I guess I should just be glad that I wasn't tackled to the ground by FBI agents in the parking lot, and forcibly sterilized with a Tazer before being put in a squad car with a special flashing "Kiddie Perv on Board" sign, and shown "what they do to your kind in lockup".
Anyway, I have now re-inserted all the not-really-dirty words that the library computer removed, and if you were wondering why that post seemed a little disjointed, well, now you know... The Rest Of The Story.
Good Day!
photo by TimmyGUNZ
Anyway, as I cruised homeward, I realized that I wasn't positive that the final draft didn't still have chunks of previous drafts left in it when I clicked the "publish" button, which could cause the post to not make any grammatical sense, and not be funny. Well, I couldn't have that, so, before going home, I swung by the public library and pulled up the page to make sure that I hadn't ruined a good idea by posting it half-finished.
As it turns out, I hadn't. The post was cohesively written, and made perfect sense, I looked forward to it drawing approving chuckles from the world. *BUT* - There were a couple of tiny Capitalization and punc.tuation errors that I decided to take care of anyway. I corrected those little problems, and went home to bed, happy in the knowledge that my post was perfect, and I needed only to wait for the approving comments to come rolling in, along with job offers from The Onion and Comedy Central.
But little did I know that forces beyond my control had manipulated my post, rendering it meaningless and unfunny while I slept.
That night, while at work, I checked up on the world's goings-on via my handy-dandy Mobile-Web-2.0-enabled cellphone, and there, in my RSS inbox was my post. I read it, and was astonished to find that there were words, and parts of words, missing! After all the double checking, I had still managed to publish an uncorrected version.
Then I realized that the only thing removed from my post was the word "naked", all three times I had used it. "She is obviously naked in that picture" became "She is obviously in that picture". "Covering up your nakedness" became "Covering up your ness" Your ness? Ness, is not funny, nakedness is! Darnit, Naked-censors, you ruined my funny! My lovingly crafted funny.
At first I blamed Google, because the blogspot.com domain where TDBotD is hosted is run by Google, and because, well, why not! Thoughts of defecting to WordPress or some smaller host flamed through my mind. I don't need your free hosting, Google, if you are going to ruin my funny while my back is turned!, I thought. I'll dump you like I dumped Flickr, see if I won't!
But then I thought, Waitta-dadgum-minutt! I posted the final version of that post from the Monteagle Public Library! From one of the most protected,censored, monitored and locked-down computers outside of the Pentagon!
To even use the computer at the Library you have to get a passcode from the circulation desk, which grants you a 59-minute and 59-second, and counting... session at the PC, which, like most library computers, was donated by the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation around 2001, pre-loaded with Microsoft-approved software that may not be removed, manipulated, or tampered with in any way, ever! I am actually surprised the Library didn't pull a page from the Scummy Gas Station playbook, and make you ask for a key, which is attached to a tire iron, or a baseball bat, or a cinder block, so you don't run off with it.After getting your passcode and taking your seat In the children's section, next to The Bearenstein Bears Eat Judy Blume And Some Fried Worms, you may then use the computer, provided you don't need to access any information on a CD, DVD, FlashDrive, or anything else other than a 1.44 MB Floppy Disk. (It was good enough for your Old Man back in 1996, and it'll dang well be good enough for you!)
You also have to click on an agreement page when you first sign on that says "Even though we make every attempt to block any information about nakedness, guns, drugs, liberals, communism, unicorns or other inappropriate material from this computer, the information available on the internets is very, very naughty, and if you are the sort of person that doesn't want to see naked pictures of Miley Cyrus's right shouder, then you should probably turn back now, and if you are scarred for life by a Paris Hilton Hardee's Commercial or a Rap Video, then you can't say we didn't try to warn you."
...Or something like that; I didn't read the stupid thing, I just clicked the "OK" button under something about "a claim on your immortal soul".
Besides, I didn't have to worry about any of that legal mumbo-jumbo, I just needed to borrow the computer so I could zip off a quick story about Naked Pictures of a 15-year-old. From the Children's section of the Public Library. What could be wrong with that?
When I put it like that, I guess I should just be glad that I wasn't tackled to the ground by FBI agents in the parking lot, and forcibly sterilized with a Tazer before being put in a squad car with a special flashing "Kiddie Perv on Board" sign, and shown "what they do to your kind in lockup".
Anyway, I have now re-inserted all the not-really-dirty words that the library computer removed, and if you were wondering why that post seemed a little disjointed, well, now you know... The Rest Of The Story.
Good Day!
photo by TimmyGUNZ
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